Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
