your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
