I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
