We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize