i just wanna soil my oats bro
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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