I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
