My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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