well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
