Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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