so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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