I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
