My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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