I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
