I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
