Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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