you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize