Me. At least after what I've been through.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize