Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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