I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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