So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
