I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
