i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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