I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
