It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
