my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
