last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
