I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
