Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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