Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
