I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
