I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Come on in and take your pants off
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