If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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