I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
