Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
