I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
