420 ftw
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
