She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
