apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
