My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you didnt know i had herpes?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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