I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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