Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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