Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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