i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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