My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
