Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
