I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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