i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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