i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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