i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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