And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
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