On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
