Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
