I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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