Old men and throwing up are my life now.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
