Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
