no, he came in my armpit
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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