You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
