so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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