matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Randomize
