I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
