I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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