Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So squirting runs in the family.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
this hospital has no fireball
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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