On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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