I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
