Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
MIDGETS
????
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
