she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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