Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
She's better-looking with the mask on.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
