i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
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