I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
